"I'm letting go"... something I hope to say

Firstly, today was better... I done did betterest. I was really in a great mood today, like I normally am when I'm not thinking about all this relationship stuff. I definitely agree that life without having to think about this, is much better and maybe deep down, I understand why she might not want to be together at this point in her life... but I'm not very fond of that. Anyway, me and the fiance spoke today about just stuff, nothing serious and it was a fucking relief. I didn't feel I had to defend anything today like I normally feel when we argue. The crazy thing is the first 3 years of our relationship, we didn't fight... like not even once. Looking back, I think it was awesome, because we were both super compromising then. We're both much different people now and have more responsibilities, obligations and goals. We're actually fairly different people altogether. She's more of a free-spirit than I; I flourish with a bit more structure. She likes doing what she likes to do, when she wants to do it; aka sort of self-centered. I tend to be a bit more compromising. That's not to say she doesn't ever compromise or I don't ever get lost in my selfish bullshit, but I'm simply pointing out our overall tenancies in comparison to each other. I'm more of a flirt, sexual and more open about a lot and she tends to be more to herself and reserved. She loves the outdoors and exploring whereas I like the outdoors, but I'm not generally in love with exploration and am picky about the outdoor destinations. I enjoy technology and sports and she's overall indifferent about both. Despite the differences, we get along a majority of the time and have the best things in common. Our sense of humor is a lot alike and we can keep each other laughing. Our love for food and drink is very strong and we indulge often. We share a love for the beach and traveling.

By the way, the comparisons above; they aren't binary or black and white. For example, she can be a very thoughtful person and used to do a lot for me. She'd cook for me, do my crazy amounts of laundry and all sorts of other things. I don't know if the general public knows this, but cooking and doing laundry didn't exactly scratch the top 10 of fun things to do in the world. I really appreciated her when she cooked for me. She was a really good cook and she even learned how to prepare some Korean dishes because I don't get to eat that often in New Mexico. For my 30th birthday, she took me to Vail, CO. That was the coolest and latest thing she's done for me. Vail is amazing and I was really thankful for that.

I'd say the one thing that might ultimately put the kibosh on this relationship is her desire to be spontaneous. She thinks she's more spontaneous than I, but I really don't think so. I'm spontaneous with my attitude, but I constantly think to myself, "is the juice worth the squeeze?" "HEY!! Let's go to <not a cool city> tonight!" I'm thinking to myself, "well, that city is a hour drive each way and there's nothing to fucking do there... so... blah, that sounds boring." "Oh, you're no fun." No, I'm fun, I just would rather do something else because that city sucks balls. I definitely like spontaneity; it adds a freshness to most things but like I said, is it really worth it? I can be spontaneous and go skinny dip into freezing cold water. I'd probably do it. She might not. So there are different ways that we're spontaneous and I hate that she thinks she's so much more spontaneous than me.

A friend, who has been helping me clarify my thoughts about this relationship, pointed me to this "Letting my wife go" blog. It's about a young married couple who've been together for 10 years. It's from the husband's point of view. I found it to be pretty interesting and I already knew that's what I had to do; which is let her go. He talks about how different they are though despite their many differences, he says "Real love shouldn’t limit a person’s potential, it should expand it." I totally agree with this and have always been an advocate of it. My fiance and I have had discussions when she was in school about holding each other back because at one point, she felt like she was holding me back. If you love someone enough, letting them go to see if they return can be a mind fuck. You HAVE to put your mind elsewhere and that sometimes seems impossible. Aside from that, I have a couple insecurities. I've tried to understand my insecurities and where they stem from, but I'm not 100% positive that I will ever know. My guess is that the incidents in a couple of my high school relationships has caused them. I dated a few chicks throughout high school, but I caught this one girlfriend in high school, whom I dated for a month or two, hitting on my best friend. Maybe that's when I started the lean toward insecure? Or maybe it was my 1 1/2 year relationship in high school where she left for an entire weekend without telling or contacting me and came back with pictures of some muscular dude with his shirt off and tacked them up in her room. The worst part is that she was persistent with the whole "nothing happened" story. Honesty and integrity are important to me. Since I've caught chicks straight up lying to me, I tend to "read" people and if I sense a lie, I'll push and push for the truth. If you say you're going to do something and promise it, I'm going to hold you to it. I don't make promises I don't keep and I think people need to be held accountable for their promises and lies.

Anyway, there are at least two things that need to happen for me to "let her go".
1.) I need to have hard goals in my life that I can continually work toward.
2.) I need to have a good amount of friends to constantly keep me busy when my goal getting isn't. It doesn't sound so hard to do.

My first goal is to move to Denver and get some friends. After that, I'll work on my fitness and career goals and hopefully, that'll remove my mind from the worries. In the end, I hope I reach my goals but with her in my life.