Reason numero uno, I've gained some interest from a company in Watsonville, CA for a Security Engineer position. It pays well, is in a great area and they have shown interest in me and my skill set. They reached out to me via a recruiter and I honestly hadn't considered the Santa Cruz area. I figured I would give them a chance though. Before this, I had totally focused my efforts to go to Denver to get back to her. I opened my mind up to the idea and to the changes that would inevitably occur if I accepted (had they offered it to me). I had my first interview with them over the phone, which was immediately followed up with a peer interview via Google Hangouts the next day. It was nuts. Then, they waited a couple weeks and told me they wanted to fly me out to the headquarters of West Marine. They did and I went through a nice, relaxing 4 hour interview with 6 different managers. They grilled me with all sorts of questions that left my brain feeling like Hannibal Lector had just snacked on half of it. It seemed to go well, but you never really know. They requested I take a personality test referred to as the Caliper test. It was a 100 question online test that mostly just reworded the same damn questions over and over again to see if you commit suicide or finish the test. Good news, I finished it.
Reason deux, I'm on the verge of putting my house of for rent. I'm pretty close and finalizing all the little things needed to be represented by this AIM property management company. I've sold most of my things and will continue to sell, donate or trash the rest. I want to stay light and mobile and plan to be out of the house April 18th. Hopefully, I get going somewhere or else I risk being homeless for a bit. I've learned I don't need many things anymore. I believe that my meager and pauper-like life as a child played a huge part in what I thought I wanted when I became a working man. I thought I wanted a house, lots of things and to be that guy who gets into a nice family routine; though we never had kids. I've found that I'm not that and she isn't either. I think that's why she initially left because she really didn't know what I or her, wanted in life. In retrospect, I didn't know either but I knew I wanted her. Things have changed. Maybe, I want to just be on my own now and perhaps, if we're meant to be, we meet up later down the road.
So, what else has changed? I've been outgoing for one. I've been actively trying to be friendly to everyone and the results are awesome. I've always been a friendly guy, but I've been trying to step out of my comfort zone a bit more. Honestly, people have been ultra receptive and way cool about it. I would always be really cautious about putting myself in a "bad" situation because I was a taken man. No, I'm not cheating or anything like that, I'm just talking to people and not limiting myself by standing up the invisible barrier that I had previously been putting up. In a single weekend, I've gotten like three girls numbers just by them giving them to me. I hadn't prompted them for it; which to be honest, felt good. I haven't been single for 8 years. Is this how it'll always be? Of course not. I think I was just being me and they seemed to enjoy my conversation.
Now that I think about it, my "change" is more due to that barrier that I put up. I was timid about moving it because I always wanted to treat her with respect and didn't want to put myself in a bad position. Who knows what will happen with this "new" me. Maybe it'll come and go. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to deal with what seems like the end of a great and long relationship. Whatever it is, I'm into the moment, into having fun, into being healthy and into being a good human being. It'll be hard. I'm not over her, and I know that she loves me and wants to be with me now. She's missing me pretty hard right now because she's bored and lonely. That's not going to do it for me. She's missed me before but when she's busy, she doesn't miss me like this. I find that a bit deplorable. It reminds me of the song by Passenger, "let her go". The lyrics:
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
I can't blame her entirely because this is a basic human trait. We occupy our minds to avoid thinking of what hurts us. She loves me and was depressed and lost at the same time so she chose to leave. Unfortunately, to me, no matter how I try to empathize, I feel like she left me and in a way, broke up with me. Hell, she did give my ring back to me. I told her later that I would sell it and she cried. She wants it both ways and that's incredibly selfish.
I love her, I do and I always will; but I'm not sure we should be together right now. Especially being that we lost our spark and have physically been apart for 5 months now. I haven't talked to her about this yet because I want to tell her in person. She can't come to California because she can't get a job in nursing as her application is moving way too slow. By the time she's done with her 3 month contract in Denver, she'll already have another job lined up and she said if California doesn't turn out, it might be in Austin, TX again or Seattle, WA. Waiting for this, I'm not sure it's worth it. I'm not getting any younger and it seems that I now need to figure out what I want to do. She had her chance, why shouldn't I?
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