The beginning of the end

I'm a 31 year old guy and I've been with my fiance, who is 29, for about 8 years... I think. It's been quite the relationship with the typical ups and downs and great happy moments and low down shitty moments. All in all, I can easily say that it's been some of the happiest moments of my life. She's an amazing woman with so much going for her and I love her more than anyone on this Earth. However, I can't outrun the feeling that it's coming to an end and I couldn't be more sad about it. I'm writing this because I need an outlet where I can organize all my thoughts about it.

The beginning of the end started when she finally graduated college with her nursing degree and got her first career job as a night-shift Nurse. Things were going amazingly due to the fact that she had finally completed the biggest accomplishment of her life, graduating from college. Me, her, and her family and friends were all so damn proud of her. It was not an easy journey. I kept pushing her and she kept pushing herself and she got 'er done. As I said, she started this job and that's when things went down hill. She didn't like her shift as it really interrupted her life style of working out, eating on a schedule and enjoying the sun whenever she could. We used to go on dates every weekend, workout, take the dogs for walks, enjoy a beer or two on a nice day, it was awesome. It flipped her upside down and she really couldn't enjoy her old hobbies and lifestyle. Then her health started declining at a rapid rate and her happiness was at an all time low. I felt so bad and continually tried to comfort her and encourage her that we all hate our first jobs and it's only for a few years. After that, you get experience and get to move up and be selective with your career decisions. I mean, who likes their first job? Initially, sure, you are so stoked at the prospect of a new job. Then the unfortunate reality of it hits you like a Mike Tyson power hook. You have to pay more bills like student loans and of course you want to reward yourself and enjoy the money you've been working so hard to get and suddenly all that money is allocated and spent. She was down in the dumps and I did what I could to help her through it. There were things that I did that weren't exactly helpful, like play too many computer games and getting super serious about it. Looking back, I feel bad, but honestly, I was in a slump too because I hated living in this city, hated my job and if half the relationship is unhappy, it brings the entire scope of the relationship down.

A year had since passed and she got the idea to become a travel nurse because she's always wanted to travel once she graduated. We had traveled a few times while she was in school to San Diego, Las Vegas, Orlando, Breckenridge (where I proposed to her... yeah, the plan was pretty awesome... no no, I know) and Huntington Beach. Pretty good destinations I must add as we enjoyed them all. We both wanted to get the hell out of New Mexico and get on with our life. We wanted to get to the beach. Well, that didn't turn out as planned. She got a job as a travel nurse in Austin, TX for a 3 month contract. I was happy for her initially and I encouraged her to go. I was fighting back because I didn't want to be THAT guy who holds his significant other back in life. I wanted her to be happy again. So she went with her dog Kali (aka fruitbat) and me and my Bulldog Zero stayed behind in the house that I bought. It was hard. It's been hard. I think we'd go in and out of despair all while alternating who is depressed and who is doing okay. Initially in college, we did a 6 month relationship and it was really not too bad. That was what I had thought it might be comparable to this time around. Nope. It was ridiculously hard for me. I saw her twice since she's been gone, in one month intervals. It's not enough. We'd Skype and talk on different chat medias every day and have been, but it's not the same. The physicality of it all is missing. It's like loving the memory of someone you once loved and saw every day and then it's gone. I've learned that I need that physicality, I fucking crave it. I'm not as strong as I once thought I was and I'm ashamed of it. I've put so much into this relationship and am now a slave to it and the sad thing is, I don't even mind it. I love her with all of my being. I digress. She seemed to be doing better in Austin with just her and Kali. She met up with a couple of people she met through mutual friends/coworkers a few times. I thought to myself, oh good! She has someone to talk to and hang with once in awhile. However, to be candid, I've realized and resented the idea that she was seemingly so happy without me.

This cut me down deep... to the core. We were so inseparable for so long and all of a sudden she's just doing peachy and I'm looking like a weak chump. I'm embarrassed. I worked so hard to help her through college and though I don't regret it and don't want to hold that over her head, the reality of it is that I gave up time and money to do it. I compromised in our relationship to be happy; and I was. Now enter "the seed". She planted a seed in my mind and it's been poisoning my mind for almost a year. Before she left her first job, she was unsure about a lot. Including whether if she wanted to stay with me or go out and find herself. At least, that's what I got out of the conversations we had about it. She got a bit healthier and it was a tough situation but we worked it out and stayed together. In long distance relationships, there's doubt. Doubt will creep on you and not let go if you don't manage it properly. I have not done a good job in managing it properly; especially with that seed. I left it to go on and on and it's grown. So on top of the resentment of her being happy without me and the seed telling me that she's not really sure if she wants to be with me or travel, I'm feeling pretty shitty.

We had talked a million times about moving to a beach in our future. In order to do this, she'll have to get a nursing license in those states. Florida? Check. California? Not yet. She has to fly out to Sacramento to turn in some digital fingerprints and such before getting that. Do it through mail you say? Well, they're so damn behind that it would take a lifetime to get that done and we want the options sooner rather than later. So she decides to make a side trip to see her high school and long time friend. Initially I had no issue and I didn't want to be THAT guy who gets angry at her for wanted to have some fun on her work oriented trip. She asks me if I have a problem and I bite my tongue and say no. What I wanted was for her to come see me because it was getting hard. My dad just passed and it's been fucking me up way more than I'd like to admit. I'm supposed to be strong about this. Anyway, seeing my beautiful fiance whom I haven't seen for over a month would be mighty nice. She says it's more expensive to fly here so she buys her ticket to Portland and then to Sacramento. I guess I'll just wait another month to see her. I mean, she's fine with it, why shouldn't I be? Then, I get bitter again. She's fine with it. She has barely expressed interest in seeing me and I'm dying to see her. It's unbalanced and embarrassing.

Fast forward to last night, she gets to Portland I speak with her during the layovers. I'm totally fine though I'm fighting the bitterness because I don't want to ruin her trip. I'm thinking "just go get your license and get it over with." Let me be clear here, I'm not some clingy leach guy. I have a life (just not right now in New Mexico) and there's plenty I want to do and see. I just find that most things are more enjoyable with the people you love. Moving on, she gets to Portland and she tells me her friend's work is having a Christmas party in February. Haha, ok, that's cool; just be careful. She gets pretty intoxicated and does the cool thing of calling me a few times. I was happy that she was having a good time, but at the same time, that feeling of bitterness slowly crept up. I bit my tongue and through the calls she sounded way more intoxicated. I have an issue where I don't trust people and she's attractive and cool to talk to. The combination is hard for me to deal with. Finally, I can no longer take it and I cast the first regretful stone. It's about how I feel like I'm putting more into this relationship than her. She doesn't take it very well and doesn't want to talk about it. She tells me she's embarrassed and wants to go party with some random people. This infuriates me. I'm like, well, priorities babe... priorities. She would rather go and party with random people in a city she's never been in (and her friend, I thought he'd left her to go be with some chick because during her drunk talk, she'd alluded to that) than talk to her fiance of 8 years. I found this to be disrespectful so I snapped. I totally regret it but it's been building for quite some time and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Those series of small events led to me being hurt and enraged. And she still seems to not care. She didn't call me back throughout the night and she was having coffee with her friend this morning so she didn't want to talk about it then. Granted there's a time and place for this type of stuff but sometimes, it doesn't line up. You have to deal with the important things and prioritize accordingly and she just threw me to the side like she barely knew me.

So, is this the end? I'm not sure. We have plans to meet up with each other in Denver in April. Do other couples go through this? Do they make it through? Does she even want to be with me anymore? She says she does, but I can't fully believe her. What can I do to possibly remove this doubt out of my fucking numb skull? I don't know, I just don't know.