Well, I've had a day or two to think about it and the regretful tirade I unleashed over the phone toward my drunken fiance and how it wasn't the best idea I've ever had. In fact, it wasn't a premeditated idea at all. It was purely impulsive and instinctual. I was protecting my pride, my deserved respect and my integrity as a man. I've since spoken to her when we were in a more stable mindset. I think we made some progress.
She's a private person. I'm not necessarily that private. I can be, but I'm not to the level that she is. There are so many variables for me to open up. I'm more of the type of man that if I feel comfortable talking with a person and something comes up, I'll probably discuss it without inhibition; so long as it's within reason. I'm not just going to blurt out how I had sex and what we did and what I rate it on a scale of 1 to... shut up, I'm not talking about it. She's the type who doesn't like judgement. In fact, I'm going to go on to say that she absolutely hates it. She really doesn't take negative judgement or criticism very well. Honestly, who can? No one likes to be criticized and though I try, it MUST be constructive for me to accept it without picking you up and throwing you out the window (150 lbs or less please). What I'm getting to is that she doesn't like when I post our business on social media. Things like relationship status or that we're fighting or any of that. She has every right to dislike that because I don't necessarily like it and I don't normally do it... but I can say that I've done it more than she has. I feel like if you really are in a relationship, not just going through the motions, but I mean really in a relationship where it's balanced, compromising, full of love, respect, and trust, then you have no issue proclaiming it to the world... of people who follow you or are your virtual friends/family. I can respect her need to keep it to ourselves. During this rocky time, we really don't need the additional scrutiny and pressure.
So today, we spoke as she was at the airport for fucking ever. She got her nursing license application done pretty fast and had hours to sit and wait at the airport. She called me at work and we spoke for a bit and she told me she read my first blog entry and it made her cry. She said "it was so sad". And, it is. It is sad. No one should feel like this, but I'll wager it happens on a daily basis to people all over the world. I finally had the chance to talk to her and it seemed like so long of a wait; I can't blow my opportunity and turn this into a fight again. I was glad she read it because it fully explains my point of view and removes my tone from the conversation. She said that she understood and told me she does love me. She told me she literally couldn't leave because at this Christmas party (yes, in February), they locked the doors in this particular restaurant after hours so they could have an open bar and freely smoke weed (After all, it is legal for recreational use in Portland). She had no where to go to talk to me and tons of people were in every crevice and room in the building. She was embarrassed and her friend kept telling her to calm down and have a good time while she's there. I had no idea about this. She didn't exactly tell me all that. She just said, "it's not a good time" so that just offended me more than helping me understand. But, oh well, she was really intoxicated and at that time, her ability to explain anything was hardly possible.
I told her that I wanted to know if she was really into this relationship. Do you still want to pursue a romantic relationship with me? Are you willing to compromise to make this work? Most of all, are you still in love with me? There's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them. What's your top three priorities in life at this point? Am I among those ranks? She replied "yes, I do love you. I do miss you", while tearing up. I could hear her quiver a bit as she spoke, "I know you don't think so, but I do miss you... a lot". It felt good to hear that. The pain subsided a little. But then, she said that she wants to take things slow. She wants to meet up with me in Denver like we had recently planned and be together, but at a slower pace. The pressure that she receives from family and friends to be with me has been weighing on her. I feel her. I understand. I explain to her that no one else matters in this but me and you. If you don't really want to be with me, let me know so I'm not a prisoner to hope. I need to move on. We're not getting any younger and we don't need to string each other along for eternity unless it's about true love. All that other noise is just that, noise. It needs to be turned down so she can come to a conclusion on her own. Her family and friends like me. I mean, I'm a pretty cool dude. I'm kidding, but I think I've got something to offer. I'm confidant though lately, it might not seem like it.
Today, I tried not to think about this too much, but inevitably it hung around in my head. I had been in and out of thinking about work and my life. What do I do? Do I even go to Denver? Do I give this relationship a chance or just cash in my chips now and bail? We have a few friends in Denver and I'd be really embarrassed if it ended. Even if it was mutual, I'd have to talk about it and explain it to people. Breaking up with someone is one thing, but getting broken up with makes you feel... like less. You feel like you don't have anything to offer and that it didn't work out because you weren't enough. It really fucks with your confidence.
Why was this relationship so different now? What happened? I've pinpointed it to that first nursing job. A combination of that and me being distant due to playing my computer games. The night nursing job messed with her and the love and attention she needed, though I don't know how much it would have helped, wasn't really there. I failed at being her companion and best friend. Another thing was that she left pretty quick and we didn't get to recover our strong relationship. She left to Austin and fully recovered to that person she used to be... but without me. So now she's unsure. She's thinking, am I happy because I'm alone and had time to recover? I don't have to answer to anyone and can do whatever I want. Not that I was a dictator in the relationship. However, there is compromise and she seems happy to not have to - hence all my doubts. She's living a good life now, alone with her dog and she's happy. Why mess up happiness with complication? In addition to that, she's starting to feel guilty that she's happy without me. That kinda hurts, but if I move to Denver and we kick our life off right, it just might be a light I see at the end of this dark tunnel that we've been in.
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